From: "Trudi Marrapodi"
<trudee@clarityconnect.competent>
Subject: POEM PARODY: "How the Trolls Stole RSSIF"
Date: Tuesday, December 31, 2002 5:14 PM
HOW THE TROLLS STOLE RSSIF
by Trudi Marrapodi
Many fans throughout Skate-Land liked Michelle Kwan a lot,
But the trolls who hung out on RSSIF did not!
The trolls hated Michelle--from her head to her toes!
Now please don't ask why. No one really quite knows.
It could be their heads weren't screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, that their skates were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that their brains were two sizes too small.
But whatever the reason, uncomfy or nuts,
The RSSIF trolls hated Kwan's guts.
Tapping out posts with a sour, trollish frown,
They did all they could think of to put Michelle down.
For they knew that another Olympics was here,
And they were afraid that this might be her year.
"She lost back in '98!" they snarled with a sneer.
"But she's back for Salt Lake! Now it's practically here!"
Then they growled, with their troll fingers nervously spinning,
"There MUST be some way to keep Kwanny from winning!"
For, soon, they all knew, all the Kwanites would glue
To the NBC coverage until it was through,
And if she won the gold, it would give them such joys!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing trolls hated! All the NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Then the Kwanites, each one, would go making their posts:
"Wasn't she great? Now, was she not the most?"
They would feast on her victory--they'd feast! Feast! Feast! Feast!
Which was something the trolls couldn't stand in the least!
And then they'd do something trolls like least of all!
Everyone on the newsgroup, the tall and the small,
Would post the same post, with their gloating words ringing:
"EAT DIRT, STUPID TROLLS!" their posts would be singing!
And her fans would all gloat! And they'd gloat! GLOAT! GLOAT! GLOAT!
And the more the trolls thought of this Kwanny-fans' gloat,
The more the trolls thought, "We must sink Kwanny's boat!
Why, for almost ten years we've put up with her now!
We MUST stop Michelle Kwan from winning!...But how?"
Then they got an idea! An awful idea!
THE TROLLS GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"We know just what to do!" the trolls giggled offline.
"We'll wait and see how the Olympics unwind!
Just look at the pairs--now, the fix there was in!
With enough Russian meddling, old Kwanny can't win!
"All we need is a fixer..." The trolls looked around.
But since fixers don't advertise, none could be found.
Did that stop the old trolls? No! They simply said,
"If we can't find a fixer, we'll choose another skater instead!"
So they posted with praises of Sarah and Sasha,
And Irina and Vika and Fumie and Masha.
"Oh, they're all so much better!" they crowed in a pack.
"They all could beat Kwan with one hand tied in back!"
Other posters said "Nonsense!" But they still put Kwan down,
Till the night of the finals, when all gathered 'round.
All the TVs were lit--the tension thick as pea soup,
All the skate-fans were hoping for lutzes and loops,
When they came to the first skater in the final group.
"Too bad she's in fourth place!" the old trollers hissed,
But as Sarah Hughes took ice, they all raised a fist.
Then she landed her first combo. A little bit cheated,
But that hardly mattered with competition this heated.
She kept reeling off triples--one here, then another two.
Then she stopped at the end of her program and knew
That she'd skated her best. And the people went wild.
"Yes!" the trolls grinned. "We must thank this dear child!"
Then the others came on. Not so good for Sasha,
And things hadn't gone so well either for Masha.
But when the time came for Michelle Kwan to skate,
The trolls all moved in with their most focused hate!
"Pop jumps! Lose your focus! Trip! Stumble! Just fall!"
And sadly, it seemed that Michelle heard them all.
For although the performance was not her worst yet,
It wasn't triumphant--on that, they could bet.
Michelle sat in the kiss'n'cry looking dejected,
And the trolls snarled, "Ha! Thatıs not what she expected!
It serves the tramp right for abandoning Frank!"
And then came the marks that suggested she'd tank.
The trolls were all giggling, delirious with glee.
"And NOW!" they all grinned, "dear Irina we'll see!"
Then Irina skated--but she wasn't much better,
And the trolls even shivered a bit in their sweaters.
"Is it going to happen?" they all sat and wondered.
"Have all of the the skate-gods committed some blunder?
Will Kwan get the gold despite all her mistakes?
This is one thing," they said, "that we simply can't take!"
But then came relief--when they saw Sarah's face.
For the scoreboard had popped the girl into first place!
"Hurray!" cried the trolls. "Now we have a new winner!
This proves beyond all that Michelle is a sinner!
Four years ago, losing to a girl of fifteen.
Now to Hughes! She must feel like it's all a bad dream!
"She won't get endorsements much longer!" they said.
"She's had her two chances--now Kwanny is dead!
She'll get no more Disney deals in fancy wrappings!
No big ice-show contracts with trimmings and trappings!
"Ta-ta to the Kwanites!" they were trollishly humming.
"They're finding out now no gold medal is coming!
It's only a bronze! I know just what they'll do!
Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,
Then the fans out in Skate-Land will all cry, 'Boo! BOOOOOOOOOO!'"
"That's a wail," grinned the trolls, "that we simply MUST hear!"
So they paused and they all put a hand to an ear.
And they did hear a sound rising over the ice.
But it didn't sound angry...it sounded quite nice!
No, the sound wasn't angry! This sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so! But it WAS merry! VERY!
They stared out at Skate-Land! Those trolls popped their eyes!
Then they shook! What they saw was a shocking surprise!
All kinds of skate-fans, the tall and the small,
Were applauding for Kwan! Without any Olympic gold medal at all!
They HADN'T stopped Kwanny from winning! She did!
No, not the Olympics--but something more hid.
She'd won the respect of the fans far and wide,
For all of her work, and for how hard she tried.
And the trolls, with their troll-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
They love her without that damn Olympic gold!
It's simply not fair! She should be out in the cold!"
And they puzzled and puzzed, till their puzzlers were sore.
Then the trolls thought of something they hadn't before:
"Maybe some people don't like skaters just when they win.
...Naah. That can't be. It's *surely* a sin!"
And what happened then? Well...on RSSIF they say
That the trolls all imploded from sheer frustration that day!
And the minute the newsgroup was freed of its pests,
Everyone on RSSIF enjoyed a great fest.
It was better than a holiday! More fun than six feasts!
Because they...they themselves...were all through with those beasts!
THE END...
Back to Parody Songs