From: "Nikki Rademan" (nikjil@netscape.net)
Subject: Holiday Poem Parody
Date: Thursday, December 19, 2002 7:01 AM
A Visit From Speedy
by Nikki
T'was the night before Skate America,
And all through the rink
Not a creature was stirring, --not even Yagudin's shrink;
The computers were set in their places with care,
In hopes that the judges soon would be there.
The skaters were stretching and jogging backstage,
While thoughts of anonymous scoring made them tremble with rage;
And me with my camera and my knapsack,
Had just sat back down after stretching my back,
When out by the Kiss-and-Cry there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my seat to see what was the matter.
Away to the aisle I flew in a dash,
Tearing open my film and discarding my flash,
As the glare off the top of Dick Button's head
Made Peter Carruthers leap back in dread.
Then, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But Octavia Cinquanta with judges at his rear,
Prancing around, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment he was up to a trick.
More rapid than eagles his flunkies they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
"Now, Yuri! now, Katalin! now, Jiasheng, and Mrs. Moore!
On, Alla! on Igor! on, Michela, he said, in a great roar.
Let's hide from the Press! Hide from the Press!"
Come on dash away! Before they ask me about this mess!
As ice shavings before the Zamboni fly,
When they meet with a shovel, they mount to the sky,
So into their seats the judges they flew,
With their brand new computers, and Cinquanta too.
And then I heard above the Kiss-and-Cry roof
The welcome sound of Dick Button saying "poof."
Grasping his microphone and looking down,
He said "this new judging system is making me frown."
He was dressed all in brown, in a natty turtleneck,
And all he kept saying was "anonymous scoring, what dreck."
Which caused Cinquanta to turn and look back,
And look like a man who wanted to put his face in a sack.
His eyes -- how they glared! his hair it was oiled!
His cheeks were sucked in, his collar was soiled!
His tight little mouth was drawn in a scowl,
And his chin shook as he issued a growl;
The end of a pencil he held tight in his teeth,
And the splinters, as he bit it, dropped like leaves off a wreath;
He was dressed all in black from his head to his toe,
And he said, "to accountability we will just say, no."
"You reporters and fans, you make think you know best,
However, my judging reform is better than the rest."
A wink of his eye and a jerk of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had everything to dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work;
Squelching dissent, he then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, back down the corridor he goes;
He sprang to his limo, to his judges gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"I'LL SCREW YOU ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT."
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