Ever wanted to post a hate-filled rant to the newsgroup because your favorite skater lost a competition? Ever wanted to demonize the person who beat the one you were rooting for? Of course you have! You're a skating fan! *LOL*

But sometimes, the words just won't come. So for those creatively-challenged occasions when you want to drip venom and vitriol all over the Usenet but just can't compose anything, I have supplied this Generic Multiple-Choice Hate Form for skating fans.

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I cannot stand Skater X because:

(Please check all that apply:)

[ ] He/she is too young.
[ ] He/she is too old.
[ ] He/she hasn't paid his/her dues.
[ ] He/she has been around forever and it's high time he/she was put out to pasture.
[ ] He/she is an eligible.
[ ] He/she is a pro.
[ ] Barry Wilner keeps hyping him/her.
[ ] Christine Brennan keeps hyping him/her.
[ ] All the skating reporters keep hyping him/her.
[ ] Nobody likes him/her and he/she couldn't get good press even with an act of God.
[ ] He/she has a greedy agent.
[ ] He/she has no agent.
[ ] I'm sick of his/her family.
[ ] I'm sick of people always talking about how he/she is a widower/widow.
[ ] ... or an orphan.
[ ] if I have to see one more baby picture I'm gonna kill something.

(following subsection contributed by Jocelyn E. Delmar)

[ ] Skater X has a living room full of Chippendale's... and she lives alone.
[ ] Skater X is an alleged chairasexual.
[ ] Skater X is out of the closet about their chairasexuality.
[ ] Skater X mailed their performance in.
[ ] ... and they didn't even send it first class.
[ ] Skater X got a bye and didn't earn their way to the event.
[ ] Skater X is really a brunette.
[ ] Skater X has roots.
[ ] Skater X is really a man.
[ ] Skater X is really from Russia.
[ ] Skater X's nose is disproportionate to her face.
[ ] Skater X's nose is disproportionate to her butt.
[ ] ...which is too damn small!
[ ] ...which is too damn big!
[ ] Skater X's nails matched her costume.
[ ] Skater X's nails matched his costume.
[ ] Skater X's costume isn't a color found in nature.
[ ] Skater X wore sequins glued to her face.
[ ] Skater X wore sequins glued to her body.
[ ] ... in lieu of a costume.
[ ] Skater X's sequins gave me a seizure.
[ ] Skater X is prettier than me.
[ ] Skater X isn't as pretty as me.
[ ] Skater X needs to eat a cookie.
[ ] Skater X needs to eat a LOT of cookies.
[ ] Skater X needs to lay off the cookies.
[ ] Skater X wears her hair in a ratty ponytail in an attempt to feign youth.
[ ] Skater X wears her hair in a bun in an attempt to feign maturity.
[ ] Skater X's name is too long.
[ ] Skater X's name is too hard to spell.
[ ] Skater X's name isn't American.
[ ] Skater X got married, and didn't change her name.
[ ] Skater X got married, and HYPHENATED her name.
[ ] Skater X's name is pronounced "Ooouvack :::twitch:::"
[ ] Skater X has an alleged drug problem.
[ ] Skater X is my dealer.
[ ] ... and they charge too much.
[ ] Skater X is ruining their talent and potential by going to college.
[ ] Skater X is depending too much on skating by not going to college.

Plus, the judges at the last competition obviously had to have been:

[ ] blind
[ ] corrupt
[ ] blind and corrupt
[ ] mentally retarded
[ ] actively determined to destroy the sport of figure skating as we know it
[ ] Ottavio Cinquanata (aka "All of the above")

("signaling" section contributed by Karen Frank)
And the referees should have noticed that the judges were signaling each other:

[ ] by passing notes.
[ ] by making "gag me with a finger" gestures.
[ ] by playing footsie.
[ ] by playing scissors, rock, and paper.
[ ] by playing darts.
[ ] ... with the scoresheets.

... or else the judges would have noticed that:

[ ] he/she has horrible choreography.
[ ] he/she has horrible jumps.
[ ] his/her spins traveled so much they earned enough frequent flyer miles to send their entire fan club to Mars, which is where I wish they'd all go.
[ ] their program was full of nothing but jumps, jumps, jumps.
[ ] their program had nothing more difficult than a single toe loop.
[ ] ... and it was a toe axel, besides.
[ ] the skater had less musicality than a spastic cockroach.
[ ] the choreography was so bad that it made Oksana's recent Ice Wars artistic program look like Michelle's 1998 US Nationals free skate.
[ ] the skater had to stop in mid-program and listen to his/her coach calling out directions on which move came next, because they'd forgotten their program.
[ ] the entire routine was such an offense against the entire concept of good skating that God himself attempted to smite the arena with a thunderbolt, but his eyes were clenched shut in order to avoid having to see the horribleness going on so he missed.

[ ] Skater X would have been beaten by Midori Ito, in her prime. (subsection contributed by Karen Frank)
[ ] Skater X would have been beaten by Tanya Harding, in her prime.
[ ] Skater X would have been beaten by Katarina Witt, in her prime.
[ ] Skater X would have been beaten by my cat, if I could find skates small enough to fit her.
[ ] Skater X has the grace of a stampeding herd of Wildebeasts.
[ ] Skater X has the body of a Wildebeast.
[ ] Skater X smells like a Wildebeast.
[ ] Skater X posed nude.
[ ] ... and a strategically placed staple covered up everything interesting.
[ ] Skater X fell out of her costume during a spin.

(subsection contributed by Janet)

[ ] s/he used the same program last year.
[ ] nobody but Skater Y should ever use that music again.
[ ] nobody should ever skate to [Carmen/Firebird/Spartacus/etc] again.

(Optional section for pairs)

[ ] their lifts were so bad that they had to use a "flying man" harness and wires from the ceiling just to get her off the ground.
[ ] their unison was further apart than the Blue & the Gray were during the Civil War.
[ ] their program was interrupted in mid-skate by the two of them having a quarrel.
[ ] ... with blunt objects.
[ ] (American pairs only) they'd changed partners in mid-skate.

(Optional section for ice dancers)

[ ] he'd not only lifted her above his shoulders but launched her for a throw triple salchow besides.
[ ] The ice dance had been interrupted by another female ice dancer strangling one of the two for infidelity.
[ ] they hydrobladed.
[ ] they didn't hydroblade.
[ ] they only hydrobladed a little.
[ ] they (or their coach, or their NGB) had complained about the judging.
[ ] they hadn't complained about the judging.
[ ] they were not Russian.
[ ] they were not French.

(following subsection contributed by Karen Frank)

[ ] They weren't dramatic enough.
[ ] They made Anthony Hopkins seem like William Shatner.
[ ] They made William Shatner seem like Anthony Hopkins.
[ ] They rolled around on the ice.
[ ] so much that the Zamboni break was unnecessary.
[ ] He spends his time dragging her around the ice.
[ ] ... so much that the Zamboni break was unnecessary.
[ ] Her twizzle fizzled.
[ ] I could see through her costume.
[ ] ... and not his.
[ ] I could see through his costume.
[ ] ... and I'm traumatized.
[ ] During a twizzle sequence, SHE fell out of her costume, then he slipped out of his dancebelt.
[ ] ... and tripped.
[ ] ... and then she skated over him (definitely not kosher).
[ ] ... and he bled profusely.
[ ] ... and it turned out he had chicken pox.
[ ] ... and the audience was exposed.
[ ] ... and even if he didn't know he had chicken pox, that's no excuse, because in this case, ignorance was Bris.
[ ] Their style is too ballroom.
[ ] Their free dance rips off the Duschenays.
[ ] Their free dance rips off Rahkamo and Kokko's.
[ ] Their free dance rips off Bourne and Kraatz's...
[ ] ... and they are Bourne and Kraatz.

Not to mention which, Skater X looked horrible because:

[ ] he/she wore an ugly costume with too many sequins and gewgaws.
[ ] he/she wore an ugly costume that was too plain and boring, with no decorations.
[ ] he/she wore a costume in terrible colors (esp. neons).
[ ] he/she wore a costume that looked like it was from 1985.
[ ] he/she wore a costume that looked like it was from 1975.
[ ] he/she wore a costume that looked like it was from 1965.
[ ] he/she wore a costume that looked like it was from 1955.
[ ] he/she wore a costume that looked like it was from 1945.
[ ] he/she wore a costume that looked like it was from 1935.
[ ] he/she wore a costume that looked like it was from 1925.
[ ] he/she wore a costume that was too futuristic and "out there".
[ ] his/her costume was historically inaccurate to the period of the music he/she used.
[ ] his/her costume was inappropriate for the character he/she was trying to portray.
[ ] he wore a costume that made him look gay.
[ ] she wore a costume that made her look like she has a huge butt.
[ ] she didn't polish her boots and they were covered with scuff marks.
[ ] she wore white boot covers so as not to have to polish her scuffy boots, and her feet looked like cement blocks.
[ ] his boot covers didn't match his pants.
[ ] his boot covers ALWAYS match his pants, and he looks gay because he cares so much about making sure his boots always match his pants.
[ ] she pulled her tights down over her boots, and her ankles looked huge.
[ ] she wears stupid things over her boots to make it look like she's wearing tights when she's not.
[ ] the flesh color of her tights didn't match her actual skin color.
[ ] her boot laces were dangling loose.
[ ] she wore colored tights under a skirt, so her butt looked REALLY huge.
[ ] she wore tights under a skirt and then did a Besti squat, and you could just see the diamond-shaped gusset in her tights winking at you!.
[ ] she wore white boots, and I prefer flesh-tone boots.
[ ] she wore flesh-tone boots, and I prefer white boots.
[ ] she wore blueberry-colored boots--UGH!.
[ ] HE wore white boots--need I say more???.
[ ] her makeup was way overdone.
[ ] her makeup was way underdone.
[ ] you could tell he was wearing makeup.
[ ] her hair was too short and she looked like a lesbian.
[ ] her hair was too long and she should get it cut.
[ ] his hair was too long and he looked like a '60s hippie.
[ ] his hair was too short and I miss his curls.
[ ] his/her hair is dyed/bleached a terrible color.
[ ] her nails are way too long and painted an ugly color.
[ ] the skirt on her dress was way too long.
[ ] the skirt on her dress was way too short.
[ ] the panties on her dress were cut so badly that she had a wedgie all through her program.
[ ] her costume used way too much transparent flesh-tone fabric in a tacky manner.
[ ] her costume used transparent flesh-tone fabric, period (women should not pretend they are showing more flesh than they really are because it is deceptive and unacceptable).
[ ] he wore a costume with pants that looked like you could spread them on the grass and have a picnic.
[ ] she wore a costume with tassels hanging from her nipples.
[ ] she wore a costume with tassels hanging from everything.
[ ] he wore a costume with a tassel hanging from [don't ask].
[ ] he wore white pants and you could see EVERYTHING.
[ ] he wore white pants and you could see EVERYTHING... and there wasn't much to see!
[ ] he wore a costume that looked like a [name of animal, e.g., giraffe] skin. (contributed by Daria)
[ ] he/she wore a costume with huge polka dots on it. (contributed by Daria)
[ ] he/she wore a costume that looked like it came from the Salvation Army. (contributed by Daria)
[ ] he/she wore a costume that looked like he/she was going to the high school prom afterwards. (contributed by Daria)
[ ] she wore a costume that looked like her grandmother's lace tablecloth. (contributed by Daria)
[ ] she wore a costume that looked like her grandmother's chenille bedspread. (contributed by Daria)

And Skater X's music:

[ ] was too familiar and over-used.
[ ] was too obscure, i.e. "what the hell was it?".
[ ] was too snobby and elitist. (contributed by CleoMarie)
[ ] didn't go with the skater.
[ ] was too masculine/feminine for the skater.
[ ] had vocals.
[ ] didn't have vocals.
[ ] had vocals that sounded like fingernails on a blackboard. (contributed by CleoMarie)
[ ] was Dick Button's favorite obscure operatic tone poem.
[ ] was already skated to by Paul Wylie.
[ ] should have been skated to only by Paul Wylie. (contributed in different forms by both Trudi and CleoMarie)
[ ] will be skated to by Paul Wylie.
[ ] just plain sucked.

(following subsection contributed by Kathleen Bratton)

[ ] Skater X is way too young to skate to opera.
[ ] Skater X is way too old to skate to opera.
[ ] Skater X skated to opera.
[ ] Skater X skated to something sung by Bocelli.
[ ] Skater X skates like Bocelli sings.
[ ] Skater X skates like Bocelli.
[ ] Skater X is way too old to understand "Swan Lake".
[ ] And the swan died too early when Skater X did a face-plant on the 3sal.
[ ] ... and then moulted.
[ ] Skater X's music stopped 1/2 way through the number.
[ ] ... and they didn't notice..
[ ] ... and the audience didn't either.
[ ] ... because they had cotton in their ears.
[ ] One word: Malaguena
[ ] ... The pan pipe version.
[ ] ... accompanied by Yanni.

(pro competition section contributed by Karen Frank)

And it doesn't matter how many pro events Skater X wins because:

[ ] Pro events don't count because they are like the circus.
[ ] Pro events are cheesy.
[ ] Pro events are fixed.
[ ] This particular pro event was fixed because:

( ) It had jump limits.
( ) It had jump minimums.
( ) The scores were hidden.
( ) The scores were determined by an internet vote.
( ) ... and some people voted more than once.

Furthermore, skater Y should have won because:

[ ] they're my favorite skater and my favorite skater should ALWAYS WIN, DAMMIT!
[ ] they've always won before and why break a winning streak?
[ ] skater Y's never won anything in a million years and it's ABOUT TIME!
[ ] skater Y is 'more artistic'.
[ ] skater Y is 'more athletic'.
[ ] Dick Button said he/she should have won and I believe everything Dick Button says because he knows everything about skating and I don't even know what the jumps are.
[ ] Same as above, only insert 'Christine Brennan/Jere Longman/Philip Hersh/Barry Wilner/BOI magazine/Sandra Loosemore/Peg Lewis/my buddy Joe who knows a little about skating/my cat Mittens told me in a dream' instead of 'Dick Button'.
[ ] skater Y has paid his/her dues.
[ ] skater Y is a fresh new face in a tired old sport.
[ ] skater Y is really cute.
[ ] skater Y isn't just another cute/hunky pretty face like all the other skaters.
[ ] skater Y had a more technically difficult program.
[ ] skater Y had a more artistic program.
[ ] skater Y had a triple axel.
[ ] skater Y had a quad.
[ ] skater Y had a triple/triple.
[ ] skater Y had a quad/triple.
[ ] skater Y had a quad/quad.
[ ] skater Y had a quint.
[ ] skater Y can land one of the above jumps in practice, honestly, really and truly, even if they've never come close in competition yet.
[ ] skater Y can fly.
[ ] skater Y can walk on water.
[ ] skater Y doesn't need to walk on water, they can part the waves.
[ ] skater Y can heal lepers and cast out demons.
[ ] skater Y is a God/Goddess.
[ ] I'm skater Y's mother/father posting under an alias.
[ ] I'm skater Y's coach posting under an alias.
[ ] I'm skater Y's agent/publicist posting under an alias.
[ ] I'm Ottavio and skater Y's family/coach/publicist made one heck of a "donation" recently and I'm doing my best to try and earn it.

And even if Skater Y couldn't win, Skater X still shouldn't have won because:

[ ] Skater X is a nasty person.
[ ] Skater X is a really nasty person.
[ ] Skater X kicks stray dogs and abandons kittens.
[ ] Skater X is a devil-worshipper.
[ ] ... or worse yet, a conservative.
[ ] Skater X is the Antichrist.
[ ] Skater X would have been the Antichrist but even Lucifer has some standards.
[ ] Skater X is responsible for the war in Kosovo.
[ ] Skater X is responsible for the last two Presidential elections.
[ ] Skater X is responsible for things that happened before he/she was even born.
[ ] Skater X is responsible for all evil in the multiverse.
[ ] Skater X is Lucifer.
[ ] All of the above, simultaneously, and I know this is all true because the voices in my head told me so.

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There you have it, the Generic Multiple-Choice Hate Form for disgruntled skating fans. We are proud to present you with this product, designed to help everyone continue on in the fine skating fan tradition of hatred, vitriol, dualism, cliqueishness, and general disorderly conduct.

(And if you even needed the "SARCASM" flag, please, stop posting to the newsgroup before you hurt yourself. *g* )

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