From: jssthx@aol.com (JSSTHX)
Date: 1999/06/04
Subject: Translation of Ottavio's letter!

[Before I publish JSSTHX's parody of Cinquanta's letter, it might help if you read the letter that Cinquanta actually wrote.]

TRANSLATION OF CINQUANTA'S LETTER:

My dearest, Todd, Alexei U, Steven Cousins, Elvis, Latetia Hubert, Maria, and Tatiana Malinina. This also applies to Nicole and Ilia.

I don't know what is the matter with all of you ancient hags. I have decided that you guys are too old and brittle to be competing in such difficult competitions as the ISU is holding.

I was a complete moron last season creating ten opens. I did that to keep you oldsters in my domain. I realized though with the new crop of upcoming kids, I do not need you. Yes, it is true, I used you and I do not apologize.

When you reach a certain age you do not compete as an eligible. I don't care about all the old hags in National Sports such as football. The fact that John Elway, Steve Young, Doug Flutie, Vinnie Testeverde, Chris Chandler and Randall Cunningham are 33 or older and were chosen for the Pro Bowl was just a coincidence. They too will suffer.

Look at the great ones. John Elway, Michael Jordan and Wayne Gretzky knew when to move on. Would you rather be like them or would you like to be like Patrick Ewing and Dan Marino? And how about that Cal Ripken Jr? These are people who stayed around forever without winning a Championship.

In reality, Maria you have no chance of winning gold in 2002. Neither do you Tatiana. Latetia you never had a prayer. Nicole, you won't even make the Olympic team in 2002. Too bad. Ilia, you will make the Olympic squad and place fifth. Would you like that to be your last Olympic experience? Or how about being remembered as a Champion?

And Urmanov, what can I say about you. Your fifteen minutes were up about 5 years ago. Get it through your thick head, you will not be on the medal stand ever again. Your legs are getting stiff, you jumps are not as crisp. You are not the man you once were.

Elvis, let me say that you have left the building. You are not king or even prince for that matter. You cannot win period. Yagudin and Plushenko are jumping way higher and better than you are, so get a life and join Stars on Ice. You belong there with all the other clowns.

And speaking of clowns, Steven, you are doing fine on your tour in your little paint suit getup. That is where you should stay. Duh!

Now on the other hand, Tara Lipinski and Oksana turned pro at the wrong time. So did Kristi. Why doesn't anyone ever obey me. I am the boss I am the ruler.

Now all of you listen carefully. I really do want you to stay eligible. The ticket sales and ratings are depending on you. I am only saying this crap to scare you into being better skaters.

Now all of you must memorize the new ISU pledge:

"I pledge allegiance to Cinquanta. He is the ruler of the land. He is so special and handsome. Ottavio is so great and he's wonderful. I will do anything to please this man. I love Cinquanta, he is God. I aspire to be like Cinquanta. He is my idol."

This will be stated before each competition.

Last but not least. I am so glad you guys came along. Thanks to you I am a filthy rich man. I would be nobody without you. I hope you enjoyed my comments. And I'll see you all next season.

Good bye,

Ottavio Ricardo Juan Caesar Jar Jar Roberto Benini Samaranch Sosa Cinquanta.

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