From: "Trudi Marrapodi" (trudee@clarityconnect.competent)
Subject: SONG PARODY: "Nothing"
Date: Wednesday, December 04, 2002 4:29 AM
"Nothing"
(A Salute to the Less-Than-Enthused Skating Fans of the 2002-03 Season)
by Trudi Marrapodi
Tune: "Nothing" from "A Chorus Line"
[Spoken]
There I was--I was so excited because it was time
for the first Grand Prix competition of the new season!
I mean, I was dying to watch skating again.
Anyway, it's the first competition, Skate America--
and I'm sitting in front of the TV tuned to ABC, and the commentator,
Terry Gannon... Oh, Terry Gannon...
Anyway, he tells us about this new interim judging system,
the one the ISU is using this season, and he says:
"Okay...so at this competition, there's ten judges, but only seven
judges' marks count.
And which ones count were chosen at random, so you can't tell which
marks were chosen and which were not. Even THEY can't tell.
And all the marks are shown in ascending order, so you can't tell
which judge gave which mark. And that's roughly the way it's going to
work all this season.
Okay...so the first event is ready to begin...let's GO!"
[Sung]
Every broadcast that week I tried to
Feel the excitement, sense the emotion
Of competitive thrills.
Every broadcast that week I tried to
Hear the music, see the magic,
Feel the chills.
And I dug right down to the bottom of my soul
To feel what skating made me feel inside,
Yes, I dug right down to the bottom of my soul
And I tried, I tried.
[Spoken]
And everybody's goin' "Wow...wow...
Wasn't that great? I think the results were fair, don't you?"
And Dick Button turns to Terry Gannon and he says,
"Well...these are the results, but we can't really say how they came about."
[Sings]
And I said..."Nothing,
I'm feeling nothing,"
And they say, "Nothing
Can we say of how the winning marks were earned."
Other fans felt something,
But I felt nothing,
Except the feeling
That this bulls*** was absurd!
[Spoken]
But I said to myself, "Hey, it's only the first week.
Maybe it's genetic.
I live in a cold climate! Maybe I'll get more excited about Skate Canada!"
[Sings]
Second week, Quebec City, and we got to see
Sasha Cohen, Takeshi Honda,
More skating fun.
Then Nations Cup, Trophee Lalique,
Cup of Russia, NHK,
Till the Grand Prix was done.
And I dug right down to the bottom of my soul
To remember how watching skating felt.
Yes, I dug right down to the bottom of my soul
To see if my heart would melt.
But I yelled, "Nothing!"
I still felt nothing,
Even ABC admitted it,
Which really makes me burn.
They were so truthful,
Called the ISU "hopeless,"
But how can we the fans know
Where we all can turn?
[Spoken]
And Susie Wynne kept saying,
"You know, this new system has really shaken up ice dance judging,
But we'll still never know who gave the marks! Never!" Sheesh!
[Sings]
Went to church, praying, "Santa Lydwina,
Send me guidance, send me guidance,"
On my knees.
Went to church, praying, "Santa Lydwina,
Help me feel it, help me feel it.
Pretty please!"
And a voice from down at the bottom of my soul
Came up to the top of my head.
And the voice from down at the bottom of my soul,
Here is what it said:
"Cinquanta is nothing!
The ISU knows nothing!
If they want fair judging,
This new system's not the way.
They've got to find one
To kill corruption,
But if they stick with this one,
There'll be hell to pay."
By next season my passion for skating had died.
And I dug right down to the bottom of my soul...
And cried.
'Cause I felt... nothing.
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