From: "Trudi Marrapodi" (trudee@clarityconnect.competent)
Subject: SONG PARODY: "Judge Fix"
Date: Friday, August 09, 2002 6:51 PM

JUDGE FIX
by Trudi Marrapodi


(to the tune of "Convoy")

[voice of Mr. T on phone]
Uh, Breaker CC-1, this here's Taiwanchik,
You got a copy on me, CC-1? C'mon?
Uh, yeah, 10-4, CC-1, fer sure, fer sure,
By golly, it's clean clear to Salty-Town, c'mon!
Uh, yeah, CC-1, can you give me a copy on CC-2?
Yeah, we definitely got us the front door, good buddy!
Mercy sakes' alive, looks like we got us a Judge Fix!

[begins to tell story]
Was just before spring, in the place o' five rings,
In an arena full o' ice,
That I decided to work a deal
that would make my life so nice,
I 'as headin' fer France, but without a visa,
I couldn't stay in Eiffel-Town.
I sez, "Ice Frog, this here's The Taiwanese,
An' I'm about to put the hammer down."

[sung chorus]
"Cause I can arrange you a judge fix, down at old Salt Lake!
Yeah, I can arrange a judge fix--they'll all be on the take!
Come on an' watch me judge-fix, ain't nothin' gonna git in my way!
I'm gonna arrange a skating judge fix at an Olympics in the USA!
Judge Fix...Judge Fix..."

[voice of Mr. T on phone]
Uh, breaker Chevalier, this here's The Taiwanese--
Uh, you wanna back off them pencil-jockeys?
10-4, 'bout five miles or so, 10-roger!
Them pencil-jockeys is gittin' intense up here!

[back to story]
By the time we got into Salty-Town,
We wanted eighteen judges in all,
But they's a road block up with the Maple Leaf,
An' them pencil-jockeys was wall to wall,
Yeah, them camera-boys was thick as bugs on a bumper,
From NBC to Fox,
I sez, "Callin' all smart alecks, this here's Alik,
We's about to go a-huntin' Fox!"

[sung chorus]
"Cause we gotta skating judge fix, down at old Salt Lake!
Yeah, we gotta skating judge fix--you'll all be on the take!
Come on an' join our judge fix--ain't nothin' gonna git in your way!
We gonna work this skating judge fix at an Olympics in the USA!
Judge Fix...Judge Fix...

[voice of Mr. T on phone]
Uh, you wanna give me a 10-9 on that, Chevalier?
Uh, negatory, Chevalier--Queen Mary done squealed 'bout the pairs!
Yeah, that Queen Mary is startin' to close up my sinuses!
Mercy sakes, you better back off the ice dance a bit!

[back to story]
Well, we sewed up the pairs for the Russkie team,
Like a turkey all trussed and tied,
But when that Frenchie spilled her guts,
We like-near just 'bout died,
By the time we hit that ice dancin,'
Pencil-jockeys was a-gittin' bold,
They was askin' that the ring-boys force old Speedy
To hand out another gold!
There 'as reporters and cameras and paparazzi
From networks of every size,
Yeah, the Air Force had all it could do
Fightin' news choppers in the skies,
Well, we shot the line, an' we went for broke,
But the Russian lady wouldn't budge--
Still, that pretty redhead and her longhaired boy
Wasn't hurtin' for that judge!

[voice of Mr. T on phone]
Hey, Red's Mama, listen--
We gonna put those Canucks in behind the Eyetalians and both of 'em behind the Russkies, OK?
Yeah, them Eyetalians and Canucks fell flat on their kiesters
and they needs all the help they can git!

[back to story]
Well, I laid a strip fer Spaghetti-Land,
But they found me, I couldn't hide.
The G-men put me under arrest,
And I didn't have an alibi!
I sez, "G-men, this here's The Taiwanese,
I just ain't a-gonna go to the States!"
So I made a request for a house arrest,
I sez, "Screw everything on skates! 10-4!"

[sung chorus]
Cause I worked a skating judge fix, down at old Salt Lake!
Yeah, I worked a skating judge fix--they all were on the take!
It was a great big judge fix, and nothin' ever got in my way!
Yessir, I worked a skating judge fix at an Olympics in the USA!
Judge Fix...Judge Fix...

[voice of Mr. T on phone]
Uh, 10-4, Chevalier, what you think's gonna be our 20?
*Prison*?!?
Well, we oughta learn what to do with them reporters in there, fer sure!
Well, mercy sakes' alive, good buddy, I gonna back on outta here!
So keep the vodka in yer glass an' the reporters off yer... tail!
I gonna catch ya on the flip-flop!
This here's the Taiwanchik on the side!
I'm outta here!
Bye-bye!


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