From: JSSTHX <jssthx@aol.com>
Date: June 2nd, 1999
Subject: "As The ISU Turns", the spoof continues (part 3)

SPLASH WARNING! EATING OR DRINKING ANYTHING WHILE READING THIS SECTION COULD CAUSE SEVERE DAMAGE TO YOUR KEYBOARD!

PART 3:

When we last left off, Alexei Yagudin was dressed as Red Riding Hood and skating to the theme song from "Happy Days".

INT - ARENA - NIGHT

CINQUANTA (in the stands)
What is this?!?

Yagudin falls on his triple axel. He also doubles his next jump. His scores are mostly 5.2's

ANNOUNCER
He's a 6 time World Pro and an Olympic Champion, B-R-I-A-N B-O-I-T-A-N-O!!

CINQUANTA
This is great. My evil plot is working. Boitano is competing in my event!!!!

FANv Hey aren't you Ogtavio Sinkwanta?

WOMAN
No, it's Ottavio Cinquanta, the man running figure skating.

LITTLE BOY
Mom, I think that speedskater should resign.

CINQUANTA
I ought to spank you!

LITTLE BOY
MOMMA, that man said he was going to hit me!

MOTHER
Is that true?

CINQUANTA
Well, actually I was hoping to tar and feather him.

[The woman spanks Ottavio]

Brian is finished skating, he gets 5.9's and 6.0's

ANNOUNCER
He's the current US National Champion, two-time silver medalist, and reigning Worlds bronze medalist... M-I-C-H-A-E-L W-E-I-S-S!!

CINQUANTA
That's my boy. He's such a great father, he just had the cutest baby.

[Michael is wearing a blonde curly wig and a pink skirt. He skates to "Barbie Girl" and falls on his triple flip.]

CINQUANTA
What's happening?!?

[Kurt performs to a beautiful classical song. He gets a standing ovation and is second.]

[Galindo does a magnificent performance to classical music and lands in third place.]

CINQUANTA
What the heck is going on here?

SPECTATORS
Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

CINQUANTA
NOBODY TELLS OTTAVIO CINQUANTA shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

SPECTATORS
Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

CINQUANTA
Oh eat my shorts!

LITTLE BOY
I bet they taste like my cafeteria food.

CINQUANTA
You know what happened to the last little boy that got on my nerves?

LITTLE BOY
What?

CINQUANTA
I made him become an judge for ISU competitions.

LITTLE BOY
That's a fate worse than death!

HERSH
HEY OOOOOOOTTTTTTTAAAAAAAAAVVVVVVVVIIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

CINQUANTA
Hersh. Sit down next to me, that's an order.

HERSH
You are such a bitter pill. You know what? I think the skaters fixed this competition.

CINQUANTA
Oh, you're such a smart one. No wonder you wound up a journalist!

HERSH
Mr. Cinquanta, if I had any say in that matter I would fire you and make sure you never work again. But since I don't let's just enjoy this show.

CINQUANTA
C-O-M-P-E-T-I-T-I-O-N!

HERSH
Whatever.

[Todd Eldredge comes out dressed as one of the village people. He skates to YMCA.]

CINQUANTA
Galindo skates to Classical music, and now Eldredge is doing the Village People? Now I know I've lost it!

[The song changes "It's Not Unusual"]

CINQUANTA
I want my mommy!

[Plushenko comes out and is dressed as Jar Jar Binks from "The Phantom Menace". He falls on everything.]

ANNOUCER
The standings are after the techinical program, Brian Boitano, Kurt Browning, Rudy Galindo, Michael Weiss, Alexei Yagudin, Evgeny Plushenko. Now up are the ladies.

CINQUANTA
This should be interesting.

HERSH
I know, Tara vs Michelle. I guess Tara wins.

ANNOUNCER
She's the youngest person to win everything, TARA LIPINSKI!!!

The crowd cheers.

Tara begins her program to a beautiful classical piece.

CINQUANTA
Oh, my goodness!

HERSH
What?

CINQUANTA
I haven't seen her since Nagano. Man has she grown up.

[Tara does a gorgeous triple toe, then she bends over to start her spiral sequence.]

CINQUANTA
Ohhhh my God, come to papa. Oh boy. She's H-O-T!

HERSH
Tara?

CINQUANTA
Yeah. Oh boy, do that move again. Ohhh stay in that spiral, keep it going. Oh boy.

HERSH
You are sick.

CINQUANTA
That was a nice triple loop.

HERSH
That was a triple flip.

CINQUANTA
Whatever, they all look the same to me.

HERSH
Why am I not surprised?

[Tara gets all 5.9's and 6.0's]

ANNOUNCER
She's a 2 time World Champ and Olympic SIL-ver medalist. MEEECHEEELLLLE KWANNNNN!!!

Crowd cheers.

[Michelle is dressed as Jessica Rabbit. She falls on everything.]

CINQUANTA
MICHELLE... WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!

LITTLE BOY
I like Michelle Kwan...

CINQUANTA
Oh, not that ferocious midget again. Kid, I hope you never live to see your 6th birthday.

LITTLE BOY
I'm 7 and 3 quarters!

CINQUANTA
Ohhh aren't you a big man!

LITTLE BOY
I'm not afraid of you... you slimy ISU barf bag!

OTTAVIO
Aaah, he's just a boy.

LITTLE BOY
STINKQUANTA! SPEEDSKATER SUCKS!

OTTAVIO
Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me!

LITTLE BOY
OTTAVIO IS IN LOVE WITH HIMSELF! CLINTON WOULD MAKE A BETTER ISU PRESIDENT! YOUR MOMMA IS FAT!

OTTAVIO
That does it!

[He grabs an old woman's cane.]

OLD WOMAN
Hey, give that back you old bully!

CINQUANTA
MAKE ME YOU OLD HAG!!!!

The woman gives him "THE LOOK"

***************************************

Due to its violent nature, the rest of this scene will not be shown at this time. You may now proceed with your normal programming.

**************************************

INT - BRENNAN'S OFFICE - NIGHT

[Christine Brennan is is watching ESPN SportsCenter]

EISEN(TV)
In it's second year of existance the Grand Slam of Figure Skating lived up to its title.

ISU president Ottavio Cinquanta got in a fight with several spectators after a little boy insulted Cinquanta's momma.

BRENNAN
Oh, thank God. I had no idea what to write this week!

LITTLE BOY (ON TV)
The old man was really getting on my nerves. He tried to kill me with an old lady's cane.

EISEN
No spectators were seriously injured, although the old lady wet her pants while all the madness was going on.

BRENNAN
If it's so wrong why do you make it sooo easy?!

EISEN
Meanwhile, Ottavio needed 3 stitches near his left eye. Cinquanta is scheduled to appeared on tonight's edition of 20/20 in a one on one with Connie Chung.

INT - HOTEL LOUNGE- NIGHT

All the skaters who competed at the grand slam as well as the other pros are assembled.

ROZ
This should be interesting.

[turns on TV]

DONALDSON (on TV)
Hello I'm Sam Donaldson, on tonight's show Connie Chung goes one on one with Ottavio Cinquanta

SKATERS
Boooooooooooooooo!!!!!

CHUNG(on TV)
Ottavio, why did you hit the little boy?

CINQUANTA
I love my mommy. He called her fat. The little boy had been geeting on my nerves. he said Clinton would do a better job running the ISU. Plus I was in a bad mood already, the skaters fixed last night's competition so the pros would win. Very clever actually.

BRIAN
Thank you.

CHUNG
And why do think they did that?

CINQUANTAv Because I forced them to compete in open compeitions.

CHUNG
And why did you do that?

CINQUANTA
I am the boss that's why. Everything I say goes. Get it?

CHUNG
I think so. Is there anything that happened in your childhood that was traumatic?

CINQUANTA
Actually, I didn't have any friends as a child.

[Cinquanta begins to cry]

CHUNG
It's okay, Tavvy.

CINQUANTA
What did you call me?

CHUNG
Were your parents always there for you?

CINQUANTA
Noooooooo!!!!!!

[He sobs.]

CHUNG
It's okay. Let's pause for a commercial break.

[Tara and Michelle stare at each other.]

TARA
This is too good to be true!

MICHELLE
This is hillarious. I think what hapened in the stands was more entertaining than what happened on the ice!

CHUNG (on TV)
We're back. Okay Ottavio, has this grand slam mess taught you anything?

CINQUANTA
Yes, it has. It made me realize that skating fans are out of their minds. They don't know anything about what makes a good president. A good president is one who can take something and completely change it.

ROZ
As in ruin it.

CINQUANTA
If the skaters ever pull any stunt like that again, they will never be paid again. And I will make sure to close down the tours as well. If any skater shows up and goofs off, they will be banned from the Olympic Games.

MICHELLE
Perfect there goes my grades.

BRIANv We will outsmart this man eventually. I think getting hit on the head hasn't changed him at all.

TARA
Let's go kidnap him and hide him.

KURT
How about we tickle him for 4 hours?

BRIAN
We'll think of something.

INT - ARENA - NIGHT

The Nice and Easy Classic is about to begin. The competors in mens are Alexei Yagudin, Brian Orser, Brian Boitano, Todd Eldredge, Elvis Stojko and Ilia Kulik.

THe ladies are NNN, Roz, Tara, Michelle, and Yuka Sato.

ANNOUNCER
Presenting a former World Champion, Yuka Sato!

[Yuka does a gorgeous program and does perfectly executed jumps and spins.]

ANNOUNCERS
Now the marks for Yuka Sato. 5.7

FANS
Booooooo!

ANNOUNCER
5.7

FANS
Booooooooooooooo!!!!!

ANNOUNCER
5.7

FANS
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

ANNOUNCER
5.7

FANS
ARE YOU BLIND? BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ANNOUNCER
5.7

FANS
FAKE! FAKE! THIS WHOLE THING IS RIGGED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

ANNOUNCER
5.7

FANS (chanting)
KILL THE JUDGES! KILL THE JUDGES!

ANNOUNCER
And now our next lady. She's a national silver medalist. Naimi Nari Nam!

Naomi skates around in cicles for 2 minutes and 50 seconds.

ANNOUNCER
And the marks for NNN are: 5.8 5.8 5.8 5.8 5.8 5.8 5.8

[The TV studio has to kill all the mikes in the stadium to block out the roar of the maddened crowd]

TARA
What the heck! This is nuts!.

ANNOUNCER
Tara Lipinski is next!

TARA (sighing)
Great.

[Tara does a perfect routine. She gets all 5.7's and 5.8s}'

TARA
I deserved higher!

[Michelle does an elegant program but falls on her triple lutz. Her scores are all 5.9's]

TARA (snarling)
The speedskater is going to pay for this!

[Roz comes out and does a perfect double axel and other great jumps. Her scores are 5.4 -5.6]

DICK BUTTON (to the TV camera)
Let's check in with Leslie Visser

LESLIE
Tara, you skated a breathtaking program and are the first to land the 3 lutz/3loop, who does it feel?

TARA
It feels really sucky. I should be in first. This is a pile of dog poo. I want out of this stinkin "competition". It's fixed. The judging is fixed.

LESLIE
What makes you say that?

TARA (reaches up and knocks on Leslie's forehead)
HELLO, MCFLY, ANYBODY HOME? Gosh Leslie, you always ask such stupid questions. You know I don't have to put up with such amateurishness. Where's Tracy Wilson?

LESLIE
Tara, is it your time of the month?

TARA
Go eat moldy bread.

Leslie cries.

LESLIE
And how do you feel being in first place Michelle?

MICHELLE
This is so strange. They continue to overmark me? Tara and Yuka and Roz were much cleaner than I was. And How could NNN be in second. All she did was skate in circles?

LESLIE
Do I know anything about skating? So Michelle how is school?

MICHELLE I'm getting a C is composition, I have an F is Geography, History is the pits, Chemistry is okay and I'm passing Music Appreciation with a B.

LESLIE
Good for you Michelle. Okay Dick Let's roll the fluff piece on Michelle now.

MICHELLE
Isn't this the one that shows my 2nd grade play?

LESLIE
And it also shows your most embarasing moments.

MICHELLE
If you show it, I'll sue ABC.

LESLIE
Okay. Tara any closing comments?

TARA
Leslie? Wear a hat.

INT - TARA'S HOUSE - NIGHT

[Tara is fast asleep, her phone rings.]

TARA
Hello?

KURT
Hi, it's me Kurt.

TARA
Hi honey.

KURT
What?

TARA
Is this about our steamy duet?

KURT
No. Something has happened!!!!!!

TARA
What?

KURT
Michelle Kwan has been kidnapped!

[To be continued...]

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