From: JSSTHX <jssthx@aol.com>
Date: May 31sth, 1999
Subject: "As The ISU Turns", the spoof continues (part 2)

When last we left off....

Ottavio Cinquanta was planning to take over all the skaters, Lisa Weiss was in labor, and Skate America was tomorrow.

INT - HOSPITAL - NIGHT

MR. WEISS
Mike, it's okay son. Don't worry I'm sure Mr. Cinquanta will be more than grateful.

MICHAEL
Yeah right. There goes my shot at winning Worlds this year. I hate my life.

MR. WEISS
But you're going to have another child. Maybe even a son.

MICHAEL
Yeah, but if I'm banned from skating then I have to get a real job.

[he calls Cinquanta]

INT-HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

CINQUANTA
Hello?

MICHAEL
It's Michael Weiss.

CINQUANTA
Hello, my fine eligible. Looking forward to Skate America? I'm so excited, you're the only skater who hasn't arrived here yet.

MICHAEL
I know, we were just about to leave and, um my wife is in labor.

CINQUANTA
Labor? What's she doing, building a fence?

MICHAEL
She's having a baby, you fool! I can't compete. Call Derrick Delmore.

CINQUANTA
You WILL be banned unless you show up.

MICHAEL
Look man, there only ONE WAY I'm competing tomorow!

INT- ARENA - DAY STILLWELL
Ladies, gentlemen, skaters, judges, parents and fans. We're sorry for the inconvenience. Skate America is moving to the MCI Center. We've got several planes ready for all of you.

FAN
I hope we don't have to pay for this!

STILLWELL
Of course not. I'm paying for this. Grrrrrrrrrr!

FAN
Can I sit next to Alexei Yagudin?

INT - PLANE - DAY

MICHELLE
This is really messed up. Talk about jet lag. All of this stress is going to make me flunk my midterms!

ANGELA
This does suck. I can'r believe Ottavio wouldn't let Mike skip this competition. I bet he's really upset.

CINQUANTA
I wonder what Ottavio was like as a little boy.

ANGELA
Michelle, Cinquanta was never a little boy.

INT - MCI Center - DAY

Members of the Washington Capitals are practicing on the ice.

CINQUANTA
Excuse me, hockey goons. I have an announcement. Your game has been moved to Colorado. We're competing here!

PLAYERS
But we're playing Dallas!

INT - KRISTI'S HOME - DAY
[door bell rings]

KRISTI
Who is it?

TARA
It's me and Kurt.

KRISTI
Come in

INT- LIVING ROOM - DAY

BRIAN
I can't believe what happened with Skate America. I can't wait until they show it on TV in 3 weeks to see what Dick says!

TARA
It's on live.

BRIAN
Live!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SKATING IS ON LIVE!!!!!!!!!!

ROZ
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!

[doorbell rings. It is Katia and Daria]

[Kristi turns on the TV]

GANNON
Hi, welcome to Skate America, which is being held at the MCI Center. Man you can feel the love in this building tonight.

BUTTON
Indeed Terry. Now normally, Alexei Yagudin would be the favorite.

GANNON
He's my favorite.

BUTTON
Oh, Terry you are funny.

GANNON
I know

[both men laugh hysterically]

ROZ
Is it just me or are those men always that corny?

BUTTON
But today, Michael Weiss may have an advantage. His wife is still in labor and has been the last 14 hours.

TARA
Oh man, I'm never having kids.

FLEMING
Oh, that young man is such a responsible person. I love Mike. He's so normal and real.

KRISTI
JUST SHOW THE DAMN SKATING!

[A fluff piece begins]

LESLIE
Michael Weiss was raised in the small town of Fairfax. Unlike so many young skaters, Michael didn't move around. He didn't get 5 coaches. He didnt have private tutors.

TARA
Shut up.

MICHAEL (on the TV)
Having a family has made me not only a better skater, but a better person as well. It's taught me that skating is not my entire life, but just a way to support my beloved family. Everytime I fall, my family is there to support me. Everytime I miss my quad Lisa is there to give me a big sloppy kiss.

KATIA
SHOW THE GODDAMNED SKATING!!!!!!!!!!

DARIA
Mom!

LESLIE
This is Michael's house. This is Michael's room. This is Michael's thinking room.

TARA
Isn't there a football game on?

KRISTI
What next, Annie Mae's life story?

TARA
Actually that doesn't sound unrealistic.

BRIAN
I can't believe I do commentary with this group of weirdos.

TARA
Yeah, I wish Tracy and Scott would join ABC.

ROZ
The people at ABC are horrid commenators.

BRIAN
There's a chance that Al Michaels and Boomer Esiason may do a few events next year.

TARA
Good one Brian.

KRISTI
Look at Leslie Visser's hair, ech!

DARIA
MOMMA!

KATIA
It's okay sweetie. Look what you guys did.

MR. WEISS (on tv)
We never thought Michael would get this far. He was always different than the other kids. He never got any party invitations.

ROZ
Neither did I.

MICHAEL(on TV)
I love my family.

TARA
I thought Full House was cancelled.

ANNIE MAE(ON TV)
I wanna be just like my daddy when I grow up.

KURT
I must be hearing things. I thought I heard Annie Mae talk.

TARA
That was Leslie.

BRIAN
THAT'S IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ROZ
What's it?

BRIAN
I have my plan!

TARA We're going to show up tomorow at the MCI Center and kidnap Michael Weiss's new baby? That is if it's born yet.

BRIAN
No. I know something we can do that would teach the ISU a lesson they would never forget. Tara, Roz, Kristi, Kurt, Katia. We are all going to do the opens we are assigned

ROZ
What the.....

BRIAN
We're going to ruin the competitions.

TARA
You mean, fix them?

BRIAN
Yes. But we're going to make sure the eligibles lose and the pros win.

TARA
Do you think the eligibles will actually cooperate?

BRIAN
I hope so. Let's call them tonight.

INT - MICHELLE' S ROOM - NIGHT [phone rings]

MICHELLE
Hello?

TARA
It's me.

MICHELLE
Peggy Fleming?

TARA
No. Tara Lipinski.

MICHELLE
Oh, sorry.

TARA
I don't sound like Peggy.

MICHELLE
I know, I'm just in a really bad mood. I just got a C on my composition.

TARA
That sucks. Look, we think what the ISU is doing to pros and eligibles is just plain sick. The ISU can't control pros, nor can it force eligibles to do so many competitions.

MICHELLE
I know.

TARA
We're fixing the opens. You have to lose the opens on purpose.

MICHELLE
What? Are you nuts, I'll get in trouble!

[her phone rings]

MICHELLE
Tara, I've got a call on the other line. Hold on. Hello?

CINQUANTA
Michelle. I hope you are having a wonderful time at college,

MICHELLE
No you don't.

CINQUANTA
Yes I do.

MICHELLE
No, you really don't. You're just saying that because you are a money driven son of a pop tart who treats me like I'm some kind of object and you just want me on your good side. You know what Ottavio. I think you're a nasty old man who couldn't be president of a glue factory. You have a horrible smell, you have a messed up nose, you sound like Oscar the grouch. I think that you are ruining figure skating, You know if it wasn't for me, you would be out of business! What would you do if I decided I wanted to quit skating tommorow?

CINQUANTA
You're quitting?

INT - TARA'S ROOM - NIGHT

[Tara is whistling the Jeopardy theme song]

INT - MICHELLE'S ROOM - NIGHT

MICHELLE
I'm not quitting. But I might lose my eligibilty just to make you mad.

CINQUANTA
That's impossible, pro comps are no longer in existance.

MICHELLE
You're full of it. How can you control pro skaters?

CINQUANTA
You'll see.

MICHELLE
You are sick.

[She hangs up and swtiches back to the other line]

TARA (singing)
Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah, strumming on the old banjo...

MICHELLE
Tara?

TARA
What?

MICHELLE
I'm in.

INT - ARENA - DAY

The ladies field is made up of Maria Butyrskya, Tara, Surya, Michelle, Nicole Bobek and Kristi. The men are Weiss, Eldredge, Plushenko, Boitano, Browning and Galindo.

ANNOUNCER
And presenting our first competetor. He's a a two time World Champion, A-L-E-X-E-I Y-A-G-U-D-I-N!!!

[Alexei comes out dressed as Little Red Riding Hood. The music starts, it is the theme song from "Happy Days"]

BRIAN
Excellent!

[To be continued...]

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