From: JSSTHX <jssthx@aol.com>
Date: May 29th, 1999
Subject: "As The ISU Turns"

AS THE ISU TURNS: A Spoof about power, betrayal and sanctioning...
by JSSTHX

Part 1

INT - CINQUANTA's BEDROOM - MORNING

It is a foggy day. Cinquanta wakes up.

CINQUANTA
I just had the strangest dream. I must tell everyone about it.

INT - HERSH'S OFFICE - DAY

[phone rings]

SECRETARY
Yes. Is this the person to whom I am speaking?

CINQUANTA
Excuse me?

SECRETARY
The person...

CINQUANTA
Yes.

SECRETARY
Oh. Who do you wish to speak to?

CINQUANTA
Phil Hersh. This is Hersh's office isn't it?

SECRETARY
Oh of course. I wish somebody would speak to me!!!!! P-H-I-L-I-P!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HERSH
Hold it down! Hello?

CINQUANTA
Hersh, this is is Ottavio Cinquanta.

HERSH
Excuse me one moment

[he puts the phone on mute]

HERSH
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhghhhhghghgrrrrghgrhhhhhhhhhhhhhh@!!*(&(&(*(&&^%%&^%&!!

[puts on the volume]

HERSH
hello? What is it?

CINQUANTA
I had a dream.

HERSH
Look man I have better things to do.

CINQUANTA
Tell me if this is a brilliant idea. I have decided on the new rules. Rules that will allow the ISU to take over.

HERSH
The world?

CINQUANTA
No. Skaters!!!!!! I have new rules that will force all eligible skaters to do the grand prix if they are invited and do opens. I will also force pros to stay out of pro comps if they are to do the opens.

HERSH
You're a sick crazy money driven creep.

CINQUANTA
Thank you. Hey if it wasn't for my idiocy you wouldn't have anything to write about.

INT - TARA's HOUSE - DAY

Phone rings

TARA
Hello?

CINQUANTA
Look. You will compete in 4 open competions. You are forbidden to do pro competitions. You will learn 8 new programs. Good bye.

[he hangs up]

TARA
What the heck? Who says I can't do pro competitions?

[phone rings]

TARA
Hello?

KRISTI
Tara, You're not going to believe what just happened.

TARA
Let me guess. Some Italian whacko just called and said (sounding like Cinquanta) Look. You will compete in 4 open competions. You are forbidden to do pro competitions. You will learn 8 new programs. Good bye.

KRISTI
Yes. Except I have to do 5 opens and learn 10 new programs.

TARA
That sucks.

KRISTI
Of course it does. It's gonna take me forever to learn 10 new programs. What qbout Stars on Ice and I am appearing on Improv Ice and other things. When the heck am I going to have time to get married?

TARA
You will. He can't tell us what to do. We're ineligible. How can he tell is not to compete in nonsanctioned competitions. What will he do? Make sure I get low scores at opens? Will he rip my skating dresses, pull my hair, spank me and put me under hypnosis?

KRISTI
Actually, I was think......

[knock knock]

Hey Tara, hold on somebody's at my door.

KRISTI
Who is it?

ROZ
It's Me!

BRIAN
It's me!

KRISTI
Oh thank heavens.

[They come in and sit on the couch]

BRIAN
Ottavio is trying to make me do 8 opens. And learn 16 programs.

KRISTI
That's horrible.

BRIAN
Kristi, there's only supposed to be 7 opens. What is wrong with us? Something is fishy.

I bet ABC'S behind all of this. I just got a call from Todd. He says that Cinquanta will not allow him to compete in 2002 unless he does 2 Grand Prix events, 2 opens, the Grand Prix final if he qualifies, Nationals, 4CC, Worlds and the Winter Goodwill Games. He also is doing COI.

ROZ
He's making me do 2 opens as well. Can you believe the nerve of this man. He has me up against Naomi Nari Nam! That kid would beat the pants off me! What could Cinquanta do if I choose do compete at say Ice Wars and World Team Challenge and heck even World Pros?

TARA
Excuse me? Did somebody forget I am still here?

KRISTI
Sorry Tara. We're all just very stressed.

TARA
Either somebody is going to have to blow up the ISU headquarters or we're going to have to hold Cinquanta for randsom

BRIAN
Tara, we tried that in Jenny's last ISU spoof. It doesn't work. We need outside help. Someone with some sort of powers.

TARA
What we need is to get the eligible skaters on our side. Not just Ilia and Todd. I Michelle, Michael, and all those people named Alexei and Evgeny.

KRISTI
We will win!

ROZ
YES WE WILL!

BRIAN
MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU.

INT- ISU MEETING ROOM - NIGHT

Several members of the ISU, USFSA and judges are assembled in a room that looks like Dr. Evil's in "Austin Powers".

CINQUANTA
Gentlemen, ladies. I have called you in for this top secret meeting. today we begin our mission to force every skater who is eligible to compete where we tell them to. And force every ineligible skater to do opens. Our ratings and ticket sales depend upon it.

MORRY
Mr. CINQUANTA, your excellency, I don't mean to be rude, but how on Earth can you force the pros to stay away from pro competitions.

CINQUANTA
Oh, my poor man. It's quite simple.

He calls Dick Button on one of those phones where the ISU officers can see him on a big screen.

BUTTON
Hello?

CINQUANTA
Your competitions are cancelled.

Because I am bribing you with $1 million dollars.

[Button laughs.]

CINQUANTA
Excuse me.... $100 BILLION dollars

[gasp!!!!!!]

BUTTON
Ottavio, you don't have that kind of money. In fact I am rich as a gold mine and I don't need your money. I just signed a deal with NBC for $80 million dollars. Good bye now!

The officers give Cinquanta a concerned look.

CINQUANTA
Hey, how was I supposed to know he was that smart?

INT - MICHELLE KWAN'S HOUSE - DAY

Michelle is watching SportsCenter

RICH(ON TV)
Hello, welcome to SportsCenter, I'm Rich Eisen along with my skipper Stuart Scott. In a dramatic turn of events, ISU president Ottavio Cinquanta is enforcing rules that will force skaters regardless of eligibilty to compete wherever he says so. His crown jewel Michelle Kwan must do the grand prix series and do at least 2 opens, the Winter Goodwill Games and of course Nationals and Worlds.

[Michelle begins to choke on a chicken sandwich]

KAREN
Oh my! Michelle!

[She does the Heimlich Maneuver on Michelle and Michelle is saved]

KAREN
Oh Michelle...

MICHELLE
Karen, I did that deliberately.

KAREN
What??????????

STUART (on TV)
Ottavio Cinquanta has sent out invitations to every skater's house.

INT - KATIA'S HOUSE - DAY

[Katia is also watching the show]

STUART
In the event a skater does not show up to a competion he or she will never be allowed to compete anywhere ever again.

KATIA
Dirtbag!

DARIA
Mommy!

INT - WEISS HOUSE - NIGHT

LISA
Ohhhhhhhh...

MICHAEL
What?

LISA
Ohhhhhhh...

MICHAEL
What? The baby?

LISA
Yes!

MICHAEL
PERFECT! This is just nuts.

LISA
Michael Weiss! What is wrong with you?

MICHAEL
Skate America begins tomorrow!

To be continued.......

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