From: "Trudi Marrapodi"
<trudee@clarityconnect.competent>
Subject: Song Parody: "Gee, Mr. Cinquanta"
Date: Sunday, March 03, 2002 7:11 PM
GEE, MR. CINQUANTA
by Trudi Marrapodi
(inspired by "Gee, Officer Krupke" from "West Side Story")
[The scene is the "secret" April hearing at which our beloved ISU President, Ottavio Cinquanta, is attempting to get to the bottom of the Olympic pairs judging mess. Present are MARIE-REINE LE GOUGNE, DIDIER GAILHAGUET, SALLY-ANNE STAPLEFORD, RON PFENNING, JOE INMAN (USA judge for the ladies' competition) and a REPORTER.]
CINQUANTA:
Hey you!
LE GOUGNE:
Who--me, Mr. Cinquanta?
CINQUANTA:
Yeah, you! Gimme one good reason for not kickin' ya outa the ISU for good,
ya Frenchie punk!
LE GOUNGE:
Dear kindly Sir Cinquanta,
You gotta understand,
I really didn't wanna
Get this judging out of hand,
But Canada's so sleazy,
They tried to fix the win!--
Golly Moses, that's my latest spin!
GAILHAGUET:
Gee, Mr. Cinquanta, we're very upset;
France never had the dance gold everyone oughta get.
But we ain't no judge fixers,
We're misunderstood!
Deep down inside us there is good!
LE GOUGNE:
There is good!
DIDIER and LE GOUGNE:
There is good, there is good, there is untapped good!
Like, inside, the worst of us is good!
CINQUANTA (spoken):
That's a touching good story.
LE GOUGNE (spoken):
Je dois le dire a _Le Monde_!
CINQUANTA (spoken):
Just tell it to me, Judge. In English--the official language of the ISU!
LE GOUGNE:
Dear kindly Sir Cinquanta,
Those hosers treat me rough!
They're pushing Shae and Victor,
I've really had enough!
In pairs, could I escape them?
No, somehow I was had!
Leapin' lizards, that's why I'm so bad!
GAILHAGUET:
Right! Mr. Cinquanta, you're really a square;
She shouldn't be a judge--she needs an analyst's care!
It's just her neuroses that oughta be curbed!
She's psychologically disturbed!
LE GOUGNE:
I'm disturbed?
GAILHAGUET:
She's disturbed, she's disturbed,
She's the most disturbed!
Like, she's psychologically disturbed!
LE GOUGNE:
Je suis depr*a*vee parce que je suis depr*i*vee??
CINQUANTA:
In English, please! This isn't the Olympics!
GAILHAGUET (spoken):
So, take her to a headshrinker...
LE GOUGNE:
Who, me? Ah, oui...I will then tell you the true dirty story about the
other judges from the other countries, and the terrible things they do to
make judging so hard on the skaters!
The Germans are dictators,
The Chinese, they can't see,
The Russians are all commies,
The British just drink tea,
The Yanks are money-hungry,
The Polish under stress--
Goodness gracious, that's why *I'm* a mess!
GAILHAGUET:
Yes! Mr. Cinquanta, she shouldn't be here.
This judge don't need a couch, she needs a kick in the rear.
Society's played her a terrible trick,
Et sociologically she's sick!
LE GOUGNE:
I am sick!
GAILHAGUET and LE GOUGNE:
We are sick, we are sick,
We are sick, sick, sick,
Like, we're sociologically sick!
GAILHAGUET (spoken):
In my opinion, this judge don't need to have her head
shrunk at all. Judge corruption is purely a social disease!
LE GOUGNE (spoken):
Oui, j'ai une social disease!
GAILHAGUET (spoken):
So, take her to a social worker!
LE GOUGNE:
Dear kindly Sir Cinquanta,
I'm tired of this job,
They never yet have paid me,
They treat me like a slob,
It's not that I'm corrupted,
I just want pay for work--
Gloriosky, that's why I'm a jerk!
SALLY-ANNE STAPLEFORD:
Eek! Mr. Cinquanta, why can't you just see?
This judge needs no job--I think suspension's the key!
It's not just a question of "misunderstood";
Deep down inside her, she's no good!
LE GOUGNE:
I'm no good?
STAPLEFORD:
She's no good, she's no good,
She's no earthly good,
Like Didier, she's no damn bloody good!
RON PFENNING:
The trouble is she's teary!
GAILHAGUET:
The trouble is she drinks...
JOE INMAN:
The trouble is she's crazy!
REPORTER:
The trouble is she stinks!
LE GOUGNE:
The pain I'm in is awful!
STAPLEFORD:
And it's about to grow!
ALL:
Cinquanta, we wish YOU would simply go!
[the big finish...]
Gee, Mr. Cinquanta,
We're down on our knees,
LE GOUGNE:
'Cause no one wants a judge who's got a social disease!
ALL:
Gee, Mr. Cinquanta,
And skating's "F"'ed up, too!
Gee, Mr. Cinquanta--
"F" you!
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