From: "Trudi Marrapodi" (trudee@clarityconnect.competent)
Newsgroups: rec.sport.skating.ice.figure
Sent: Monday, August 05, 2002 5:24 PM
Subject: SONG PARODY: "Ottavio Cinquanta's ISU"


OTTAVIO CINQUANTA'S ISU
by Trudi Marrapodi


(to the tune of "Harper Valley PTA")

I wanna tell you all a story 'bout those Salt Lake City Winter Games,
Where a couple o' Canadians was hopin' they could make their names,
Well, these skaters was so magic, but they didn't win the gold, it's true.
Folks said: "Mama, I smell somethin' fishy 'bout that crazy ISU."

Well, the French judge said: "They told me that I had to mark the Russians way too high!"
Then she said, "No, it's not so--it was Canadians, and that's no lie!
Now I don't believe you oughta be a-sayin' things I didn't do!"
But she still got a suspension from Ottavio Cinquanta's ISU.

Well, it happened that the ISU was gonna meet that year in June,
And boy, no one was surprised when old Cinquanta's judging plan went through.
He says, "We fixed the problems, and that's all that anyone can do.
And that's the end of all the trouble that they said was in the ISU."

But there was some folks that the situation surely left dissatisfied,
And they said, "Speedy's either coverin' up, or who knows?--maybe he just lied!"
I can still recall the day the news of G-men and their Russian crook came through:
"They arrested someone charged with fixin' skatin' of the ISU."

"See, this guy is named Tokhtakhounov, but some folks, they just call him 'Taiwanchik.'
And there's drugs and guns and theft and suchlike in his little bag o' tricks.
Can you believe they even say he fixed some beauty pageants? Yes, it's true!
And then he tried his hand at riggin' the Olympics of the skaters, too."

"You see, this little mobster guy, it seems that he would like to live in France.
But the French found out what he does, and they kicked him out right in the pants.
Seems that they don't like the kind of shady schemes this guy claimed he could do.
And so to get himself a visa, he would have to try a fix brand-new.

"So he called up some French skatin' folks and said, 'I got the whole thing sold,
If you'll scratch my back, your little Anissina then will get the gold.
All I ask is that you take care of the situation for us in pairs.
You must tell those Russian skaters they can smile because the gold is theirs.'

"Now, his defenders couldn't be here 'cause they're relaxin' at their dachas now.
And if you listen to the winners, they'll just say it's their gold anyhow.
But I'll tell you, as the FBI, we really think that it ain't fit.
'Cause it's just like 'The Sopranos,' and the ISU is full o' hypocrites."

And people really had to wonder what would happen if it all was proved,
If they learned the sport was riddled with corruption, would the ISU be moved?
Would they all say, "Now we've had it, and this bozo loser's time is through"?
Do you think they'd give the pink slip to the president of the ISU?

Now I wouldn't put you on, because it really just might happen--yes, it's true.
Now that the G-Men socked it to Ottavio Cinquanta's ISU.
Now that the G-Men socked it to Ottavio Cinquanta's ISU.


Back to Parody Songs