From: "Trudi Marrapodi"
<trudee@clarityconnect.competent>
Subject: SONG PARODY (Do Not Open Until Chanukah)--"The Skating Chanukah Song"
Date: Wednesday, November 27, 2002 4:48 AM
THE SKATING CHANUKAH SONG
by Trudi Marrapodi
Disclaimer: This song is NOT meant to incite any religious flame wars or lengthy threads here about which skaters really are or aren't Jewish, or what constitutes being Jewish and what doesn't. It is merely meant for amusement and entertainment. The skaters labeled here as "Jewish" or "of Jewish heritage" in some fashion or other, in all cases, have research to back it up. The others are presented here as the "question marks" they are--in a joking way not intended to cause offense. (Of course it's possible for someone of Jewish heritage to switch religions--and with some people, the question of whether they have or haven't is really murky. But arguing about it on RSSIF won't make things any clearer.)
CHORUS
Put on your skates and yarmulke,
It's time for Skating Chanukah!
And get out your Konica,
To take pictures at Skating Chanukah!
VERSES
Now we all know that Chanukah
Is the Festival of Lights.
It's kinda like going to worlds--
You can party for eight crazy nights!
And I've heard that Adam Sandler song,
But to me it came as news,
That amongst his Jewish celebrities
Was none other than Sarah Hughes!
Well, they say her mom is Jewish,
And her brothers bar-mitzvah'ed, too,
But she still trims a Christmas tree--
Sounds like one conflicted Jew!
Anyway, I got this idea,
And don't think I'm being shrewish,
But I think it's time we also celebrated
All the other skating folks who are Jewish!
CHORUS
So stop that Zambon-ukah,
It's time for Chanukah!
Even Dan Hollandah
Celebrates Chanukah!
VERSES
Now who could forget Louis Rubenstein,
From those nineteenth-century rinks?
He was Canada's first big men's champion--
Why, he started the Canadian men's jinx!
But he wasn't the only Rubenstein
Who liked to freeze his toes-es.
His siblings all were skating champions, too:
Rachel, Abraham, and Moses!
Hungarian Lily Kronberger,
A world championship winner,
And long-ago judge Joel Liberman
Also ate kosher for dinner!
And Benjamin Bagdade,
Who managed the U.S. Olympic team in '48,
He made sure that young Dick Button
Said his prayers before his skate!
As for Canadian TV fans,
We won't leave you on the seesaw,
Know who's probably Jewish?
Your old commentator, Johnny Esaw!
CHORUS
So if you really wanna-kah,
You can celebrate Skating Chanukah!
No one's an ISU pawn-ukah,
When it comes to Skating Chanukah!
VERSES
The men's Olympic silver medalist
In nineteen sixty-four,
Frenchman Alain Calmat:
You can add him to the Jewish score!
Well, you're probably wondering
if we've got another big namer.
How about skating choreographers?
Meet "Spin Doctor" Evelyn Kramer!
And then there's Judy Blumberg,
Now didn't you just adore her?
She was an American ice dancer,
But she also danced the hora!
Misha Shmerkin was Jewish,
And he skated for Israel too.
Dan Hollander dresses up like a dame--
now, that's one funny Jew!
Have you heard of Kharen Kloeffler?
Louis Epstein thinks she's a natural!
'Cause she won the gold medal in figures
At the '97 U.S. Novice Nationals!
And how about Olga Danilov,
The Israeli speed skater?
They say she used to figure skate--
Could things be any greater?
CHORUS
Yes, it's really on-ukah,
We're celebrating Skating Chanukah!
Put a giant menorah on the lawn-ukah,
of your local rink for Chanukah!
VERSES
Is Irina Slutskaya Jewish?
They say she is one-quarter.
She crosses herself when skating,
But maybe she shouldn't oughter!
Now Sasha Cohen is Jewish,
All the media say she is.
As for Yagudin? Well, we're really not sure
Whether he celebrated a bris!
Michael Weiss--not Jewish,
Though he sounds as if he should be.
But as for Chait and Sakhonovsky,
I don't know what else they could be!
Brian Orser and Elvis Stojko,
Not Jewish--but it would be great
If they were, 'cause for a menorah,
They could make one out of silverplate!
And how about Lucinda Ruh?
If she had come from a shtetl,
She would have been a hit at Chanukah--
They'd have spun her instead of the dreidel!
Ottavio Cinquanta--not Jewish.
Now that is something to cheer!
And Tonya Harding's not either,
So there is nothing to fear!
But if you think we're done naming skaters,
I can say you still haven't had it all!
Because there's a nice Jewish girl in pairs:
Frenchwoman Sarah Abitbol!
Here's another ice dancer who's Jewish--
If this song has got you frisky,
Kick up your heels to a klezmer band
With Bulgarian Maxim Staviyski!
And if all those skaters aren't enough
To keep you from being boo-hooish,
Light a candle with Ilia Averbukh,
His heritage also Jewish!
CHORUS
So get out of the sauna-kah,
And get ready for Skating Chanukah!
Even Michelle Kwan-ukah
Is invited to Skating Chanukah!
So go tell Brian Boitan-ukah,
Forget about "Little Taiwan"-ukah,
Just skate and dance till dawn-ukah,
And have a Happy, Happy, Happy Skating Chanukah!
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