Subject: Skating Parody Carol 2003: The 12 Pains of a Code of Points Christmas
Date: Wednesday, December 17, 2003 6:14 PM
The 12 Pains of a Code of Points Christmas
by Trudi Marrapodi
The first thing about Code of Points that's such a pain to me
Is--perfect scores are now history.
The second thing about Code of Points that's such a pain to me:
(Frustrated skating fan) Trying to understand all these numbers!
And perfect scores are now history!
The third thing about Code of Points that's such a pain to me:
(Doubtful fan) Having to trust the caller!
(Frustrated fan) Trying to understand all these numbers!
And perfect scores are now history!
The fourth thing about Code of Points that's such a pain to me:
(Suspicious fan) The judging's still secret!
(Doubtful fan) Having to trust the caller!
(Frustrated fan) Trying to understand all these numbers!
And perfect scores are now history!
The fifth thing about Code of Points that's such a pain to me:
(Mathematically inclined fan) Only fiiiiiiiiiive jud-ges coooooooount!
(Suspicious fan) The judging's still secret!
(Doubtful fan) Having to trust the caller!
(Frustrated fan) Trying to understand all these numbers!
And perfect scores are now history!
The sixth thing about Code of Points that's such a pain to me:
(Confused fan) They drop the high and low marks?!?
(Mathematically inclined fan) Only fiiiiiiiiiive jud-ges coooooooount!
(Suspicious fan) The judging's still secret!
(Doubtful fan) Having to trust the caller!
(Frustrated fan) Trying to understand all these numbers!
And perfect scores are now history!
The seventh thing about Code of Points that's such a pain to me:
(Furious fan) Judges still a-cheatin'!
(Confused fan) They drop the high and low marks?!?
(Mathematically inclined fan) Only fiiiiiiiiiive jud-ges coooooooount!
(Suspicious fan) The judging's still secret!
(Doubtful fan) Having to trust the caller!
(Frustrated fan) Oh geez! I'm STILL trying to understand all these numbers!
And perfect scores are now history!
The eighth thing about Code of Points that's such a pain to me:
(Whining Ottavio Cinquanta) WHY DON'T THE FANS UNDERSTAND HOW GREAT IT IS????
(Furious fan) 'Cause the judges can still be cheatin'!
(Confused fan) 'Cause they drop the high and low marks!
(Mathematically inclined fan) Because they seat fourteen judges and only FIIIIIIIVVE JUD-GES COOOOOOOUNT!!!
(Suspicious fan) Oh, this damn secret judging!
(Doubtful fan) Is that caller BLIND???
(Frustrated fan) What--she's in first place by TWO HUNDRED POINTS?!?
And perfect scores are now history!
The ninth thing about Code of Points that's such a pain to me:
(Annoyed fan) Hearing the media praise it!
(Cinquanta) Shut up! You fans know nothing about this sport!
(Furious fan) But we know the judges can still be cheatin'!
(Confused fan) They drop the high and low marks!
(Mathematically inclined fan) Only FIIIIIIVE JUD-GES COOOOUNT!!
(Suspicious fan) They're protocol judging, I tell you!
(Doubtful fan) Whattdaya mean, that's only a LEVEL ONE footwork sequence??
(Evgeny Plushenko) So what's WRONG with doing three jump combinations?!?
And perfect scores are now history!
The tenth thing about Code of Points that's such a pain to me:
(Exasperated fan) They call these criteria PRECISE?!?
(Annoyed fan) Yeah, that's 'cause Speedy's brainwashed 'em!
(Cinquanta) THIS CRITICISM IS INAPPROPRIATE!
(Furious fan) Aw, shut up, ya loser!
(Confused fan) They drop the high and low marks!
(Mathematically inclined fan) Only FIIIIIIVE JUD-GES COOOOUNT!!
(Suspicious fan, chanting) NO SECRET JUDGING!
(Doubtful fan) This caller wouldn't know a Level Two spin if it bit him in the--
(Emanuel Sandhu) You mean, I won?!?!
And perfect scores are now history!
The eleventh thing about Code of Points that's such a pain to me:
(A skating-fan couch potato) Skaters who FALL do better!
(Exasperated fan) These criteria are about as precise as my--
(Annoyed fan) Speedy's a tyrant!
(Cinquanta) FANS WHO PROTEST WILL BE PUNISHED!!
(Furious fan) Typical!
(Confused fan) Dropping high and low marks!
(Mathematically inclined fan) Only FIIIIIIVE JUD-GES COOOOUNT!!
(Chanting fans) NO SECRET JUDGING!
(Doubtful fan) Technical specialist, my eye!!
(Announcer) Please be patient, ladies and gentlemenŠthere's a problem with our computer!
(Fans) And perfect scores are now history!
The twelfth thing about Code of Points that's such a pain to me:
(each spoken by a fan)
The computer keeps breaking down!
Skaters who FALL do better!
Imprecise criteria!
Speedy's an idiot!
(Cinquanta) Remove this fan from the arena!
(Other fans) You can't remove ALL of us!
It's mathematically ridiculous!
Only FIIIIIIVE JUD-GES COOOOUNT!!
I'm not going to worlds this year, that's it!
Me either!
(Cinquanta) FINE! YOU'RE SO SMART, YOU COME UP WITH A BETTER SYSTEM!!!
(All fans) And skating joy is nooooooow histooooooryyyyyyyyy!!!!
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